An Open Letter to Police Families by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D.
Living Through Troubled Times:
An Open Letter To Police Families by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D. adapted from the
forthcoming second edition of I Love a
Cop: What Police Families Need to Know (anticipated date of publication
2018). Feel
free to download and share this excerpt, but please provide the appropriate
credit.
These
are troubled times for police officers and their families. There's an almost
endless stream of bad press about law enforcement along with the unthinkable assassinations
of police in Dallas and Baton Rouge, numerous anti-police protests, lethal mass
shootings, and the increased threat of terrorism. Dash cams, body cameras and cell
phone cameras have charged the atmosphere and changed the way officers work. In
light of all that is happening, the job looks more dangerous and appears more brutal
than ever.
I've
been counseling police officers and their families for thirty years, through
good times and bad. This letter and the ideas offered is my way to say thank
you to police families everywhere.
•Distinguish
between what you can control and what you can't.
My
colleagues at the First Responders' Support Network (FRSN.ORG) use a donut to
model the distinction between what you can and can't control. In the donut hole
are the things you control; your beliefs, your actions, your thoughts, your
ethics and your professionalism. This is not as easy as it may sound. We humans
have difficulty changing behaviors, breaking bad habits, and quieting the
almost constant chatter in our heads that tells us things should be different
from how they are and we should be different from how we are.
The donut itself represents our sphere
of influence. Influence is different
from control. Our ability to influence others depends on how well we
communicate and how skillfully we can negotiate relationships.
Outside the donut is the great wide
world of things and people that affect us deeply but over which, no matter how
much we wish it was otherwise, we have little or no control. This is a tough one for cops to understand.
Policing is all about control, control of people, situations and emotions. Cops
have to believe that they can establish control or they couldn't do the job
society asks them to do. It's a necessary belief, but sadly it's not always
realistic. Cops don't control their chiefs, their politicians, the media or
public opinion. They can influence, but not control.
•
Respond, don't react.
Our reactions tend to be emotional, immediate,
intense and often fueled by fear or anger (anger being a secondary emotion. If
you dig around in your anger you'll likely find fear or hurt.) Reactions create
trouble for ourselves and the people around us because they are reflexive
rather than well thought out. After the tragic murders of police officers in
Dallas and Baton Rouge, families and officers universally reacted with increased
fears about safety. These fears are normal. It's important to talk about them,
discuss your concerns with each other, your children and other LEO spouses. Be
vigilant, but not hyper-vigilant. Be
patient with yourself and your loved ones. Listen, rather than react. Home is
the one place no one should have to put on a brave face. Do not make any
decisions out of fear. Do what you can to support each other even when you see
things differently. Determine what each of you need at this time and how best
to provide it. If there was ever a time to put family first, this is it.
•Take the long view: We have been through
periods of unrest and hostility towards law enforcement before. Right now, it
feels like the bad times will never end, but they have and they will again.
While it may be cold comfort, the reality is that despite the recent police
tragedies, policing is safer than ever with fewer law enforcement homicides.
Change takes time, sometimes
generations. And it happens on many fronts. Short of a cataclysmic event there
is rarely any single person, institution, or action that can generate big
societal changes. Uniform services, in general, are bound by tradition and
often resistant to change. There are many changes taking place in these
tumultuous times and more to come in the future. Whether it's something new or
something disturbing, ask yourself, will this matter in five hours, five days,
five years? If so how and over what part of the change do you have control?
Then go look at a donut.
•Take the big view: Police routinely
underestimate the support and respect they have in their communities. On the
other hand, communities could do a much better job of showing their support.
Once-a-year award banquets given by civic organizations are nice, but cops need
community support on a daily basis. There is evidence that this is happening
all over the country. Spontaneous memorials, post-it notes left on patrol cars,
food, flowers, letters, free hugs and donations of money are in the news. Along with all the bad news, there are
countless examples of how communities are stepping up. Look for these examples,
share them with your kids, post them on Pinterest or FB. Start something
yourself. The point is to stay positive and
realistic. Avoid the doomsayers and fear mongers.
•Use
caution with social media and blogs
Fanning
the flames of despair is the never ending noise of social media demanding to
know are you with us or against us, as if there is no middle way and a person
can belong only in one camp. Anecdotes, personal opinions, politics and an
array of competing, sometimes biased, sets of statistics get presented as
objective facts. If you just can't stay
away (I know it's hard), limit the amount of time you and your children spend
on-line. Monitor what your children do on the Internet and help them think
critically about what they read. Set strict privacy settings on all your accounts.
•Pay
attention to your body
If you
feel yourself tensing up or notice that you are breathing more rapidly and less
deeply, put down the newspaper, turn off the TV, unplug from your computer, end
the conversation. When there is time to think, which is most of the time, bear
in mind that it is hard think clearly or make wise, wholesome decisions for
yourself or your family, when you are in a state of tension. Take a breath.
Take several. Go for a walk. Call a trusted friend.
•Stay
connected and be prepared
Retired
LEO and FRSN peer support coordinator, Nick Turkovich, warns against isolating.
Talk to your families and friends about how this seemingly unending stream of
bad news makes you feel. But remember, people who are intimately involved in law enforcement
see things differently from the general public. Some of your friends and family
might not understand about deadly force or other police procedures. Be prepared
for ignorant questions and try not to over react when they come. Be patient. Expect people to ask dumb questions. Most do so
because they are uninformed, not
malicious. On the other hand,
it's perfectly okay to end a conversation you don't want to have. The trick is
to do it without starting a fight. If you are normally not assertive, learn
some techniques of assertion.
Some cops do bad things. They represent a tiny
fraction of the nearly 900,000 American law enforcement officers.
Unfortunately, they cast shame over the whole profession, making every
officer's job harder. While people will and do jump to conclusions before the
facts are in, it's not your responsibility to defend, explain, or apologize for
anyone's behavior just because he or she is a cop. Do not let anyone assume
that as a law enforcement family you don't understand the broader issues that
trouble our country or that you have written anyone off.
Seek out other law enforcement families for support
but try to put a cap on the shop talk that inevitably comes up. Don't neglect
hobbies. Do something different, learn something new. Be realistic, but stay
positive. In troubled times, this is your biggest challenge.
• Take a break. Hold things lightly.
Police spouse Gina Bamberger offers this advice: "In the
wake of the sadness and heartache of these last few weeks, I want to remind my
pals to look to the simple things in life to find peace. Watching a toddler
wobble around like a drunken sailor, making eye contact and sharing a smile
with someone, enjoying that breeze that caresses the back of your neck just
when you need a little relief from the heat. Hugging a friend who loves you for
exactly who you are, and watching a garden grow!"
I'd
add that exercise is the best medicine. Go to the gym, take a walk, or get out
in nature. Try to have fun. It is not disloyal. If you need professional help,
find a culturally competent therapist or chaplain who knows what cops do and
why.
•Children
Police
psychologists Dr. Katherine McMann and Dr. Sara Garrido suggest helping children
distinguish between possibility and probability. It's possible that Mom or Dad
could get hurt on the job, but not probable. Remind them that almost a million
cops go to work and come home safely every day. Show them your protective gear
and tell them about the training you go through. If you haven't already done
so, take them to the police station, let them sit in a patrol car, introduce
them to the 911 dispatchers who are your lifelines.
Young children are most concerned
with issues of separation and safety. Older kids, especially adolescents are
sensitive to being in the spotlight. Help them know what to say in response to
taunts they might get at school. Identify adults they can turn at school or
when you're not around.
Keep
to a normal routine. Encourage talking (or writing or drawing) about their
fears and problem solve as a family. Make sure your children's understanding of
events is accurate. Be honest and give them only as much age-appropriate
information as they can tolerate without become frightened. Listen carefully.
Don't try to address your child's concerns before you understand them. Accept
that you won't have all the answers. It is often enough to offer reassurance that,
under the circumstances, their feelings of anger, sadness, and fear are normal.
Dr. Marla Friedman, police
psychologist, recommends increasing family time and one-on-one time with the
law enforcement parent. She advocates using technology like Face time or Skype during
your work shift to reassure your children that you are safe.
Finally, try to stay on an even
keel. Your children are likely to imitate the way you are coping and will react
more to your emotional state than to whatever's happening in the world around
them.
Thanks
to my colleagues at the First Responder's Support Network, to Dr Katherine
McMann and Dr. Sara Garrido of Nicoletti-Flater Associates and to Dr. Marla
Friedman for their ideas.
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