Kathleen Kaska poses the question, What If?
What If?
The Queen had grown tired of her reading material, and
summoned Agatha Christie, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Alfred Hitchcock to
Buckingham Palace to present them a task. Her majesty wanted a new mystery
written, using the first line: “A man walked into a bar.”
“Did the man have a dog?” Agatha asks. “My dog, Peter,
was such a comfort when Archie left me.”
“No dog,” says the Queen.
“The man needs a blonde,” Hitch opines as he pulls a
notebook from his pocket and begins sketching a storyboard. “She’s wearing a
moss green suit, black pumps, her hair in a French twist and she’s . . . ” Raising his eyes to the ceiling, he snaps his
fingers, “. . . she’s handcuffed to him.”
“And he’s running from the police. We’ve heard this
pathetic tale before, Hitch,” Conan Doyle allows.
“No dog and no woman. Just an
ordinary man . . . alone,” the Queen huffs. “No more questions. Get busy. You
have an hour to pull your ideas together.” Leaving the room, she wants to
smile, but doesn’t.
Conan
Doyle closes his eyes. “I see the man now. It’s obvious he has neither dog nor
woman, but he does have a monkey.”
“A monkey?” Hitch asks.
“Yes, a monkey,” Conan Doyle echoes.
“There are scratches on his hands that can only be made by a small-sized simian.
The golden hair covering his coat is consistent with the hair of the Barbary
Macaque monkey found only on Gibraltar. I know this because when he pulled the
pound note from his pocket to purchase his pint, a ticket stub from the
Gibraltar ferry to Morocco fell out.
“And where is said monkey now, Sir Conan Doyle?” Agatha
asks.
“The Queen said the man must be alone,” Hitchcock reminds
them.
“Of course he’s alone,” Conan Doyle says. “He was forced
to part with the animal. So the story will begin, ‘a man walks into a bar
without his beloved monkey.’ ”
“Whom he’d picked up during his travels, which he had
undertaken after the disappearance of Althea, his wife, whom he loved dearly,”
Agatha adds. “Consumed with loneliness, he ached for a traveling companion.
Knowing no woman could ever replace Althea, he sought the companionship of a
pet, hence the monkey.”
“That he plucked from the streets, much to the monkey’s
dismay,” Hitch says. “To keep the animal from escaping, the man was forced to
handcuff her to his own wrist.”
“They returned to London where the man proceeded to train
the monkey to partake in afternoon tea,” Conan Doyle scribbles.
“Then what happens?” Agatha muses. “How about this? The
monkey tried her best to please her master, but reminders of Althea were
everywhere.”
“Of course,” Hitch interrupts. “The wife’s clothes,
jewelry, stationery—“
“The
poor thing felt inadequate and she missed her monkey friends,” Agatha says.
“She had grown depressed and refused to eat. She longed for her life in
Gibraltar, but knew she could never return. You see, although she resented the
man, she’d become attached to him. Emotionally torn between her life as a free
monkey and the companionship of a lonely man, she felt trapped.”
“So one day, the man took her to Regent’s Park for some
fresh air and sunshine,” Conan Doyle writes. “A sound caught her ear and she
bolted from the man toward a familiar cry. And there in the London Zoo,
plucking a seed cone from the branches of a yew tree, was her . . .”
“Long lost mate,” cries Agatha. “When her master caught
up to her, she was clinging to the cage, a tear slide down her cheek. The man
knew what he must do. Arrangements were made and now the two Barbary Macaques
live happily in the zoo.”
“But what about the man?” Conan Dole asks. “We’ve lost
track of this story: ‘A man walks into the bar without his beloved monkey.’”
“When the barmaid serves the man his pint,” Agatha says, “he
spots a familiar golden wedding ring.”
“And, good lord, we can call her Althea,” Conan Doyle says.
“And, good lord, we can call her Althea,” Conan Doyle says.
“She sees the handcuffs dangling from his wrist and the
golden hair on his coat,” Hitch smiles. “And now the real story begins.
Perfect!”
* * *
Kathleen
Kaska is the author the Classic Triviography Mystery Series, which include The
Sherlock Holmes Triviography and Quiz Book, The Alfred Hitchcock
Triviography and Quiz Book, and The Agatha Christie Triviography and
Quiz Book. All three books have been updated and reissued by
LL-Publications. She also writes the award-winning Sydney Lockhart mystery
series set in the 1950s.
Blurbs:
The
Alfred Hitchcock Triviography and Quiz Book
A must for any fan of filmmaker Alfred
Hitchcock and movie history. The quizzes are fun and challenging – and the
surrounding text provides a wealth of information on the life/work of the
revered filmmaker. A real treat for pop culture enthusiasts!
James
Robert Parish, author of The Hollywood Book of Scandals
As its
name indicates, The Sherlock Holmes Triviography and Quiz Book is more
than just another quiz book. In addition to 80 memory-straining quizzes and
five challenging crossword puzzles, Kathleen Kaska offers us a treasure trove
of fascinating facts about the Great Detective and his creator. (But can
anything about Sherlock Holmes truly be called trivia?) From Sherlockian newbie
to Baker Street Irregular, every fan of Sherlock Holmes is sure to find
something of interest in this entertaining tome.
Dan Andriacco, author of the Sebastian McCabe - Jeff Cody
Mysteries and the Baker Street Beat: An Eclectic Collection of Sherlockian
Scribblings
Kathleen Kaska covers every aspect of the Queen of Crime's life
and career in The Agatha Christie Triviography and Quiz Book. She has
packed an astonishing number of quotes, characters, plots, settings,
biographical details, and pure fun into these quizzes. As Poirot might say,
your "little grey cells will get the exercise!"
This book, fiendishly clever and
remarkably researched, is pure gold for fans of Agatha Christie.
Kate Stine, Mystery Scene Magazine publisher
Comments
I just finished a story where Hitchcock's most neurotic characters are in therapy together. Needless to say, they don't get along very well. Stayed tuned for this one.
Thanks for dropping by.
My mind? Maybe I need to get out a little more.